I got all almost all of these from the internet btw

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

If Dracula can’t see his reflection in the mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

I was visiting my son the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

“Dad, this is the 21st century,” he said. “I don’t waste my money on newspapers. But if you like, you can borrow my iPad.”

I can tell you this: That spider never knew what hit him.

Phoning a patient, the doctor says, “I have some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is that you have only 24 hours left to live.”

“That is bad news,” the patient replies. “What could be worse?”

The doctor answers, “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

“My son had to give up his career because of fallen arches.”

“He’s an athlete?”

“No—an architect.”

Two eggs, a bagel, and a sausage walk into a bar. “Bartender, my friends and I would like a cold one,” says one of the eggs.

“Sorry,” the barman replies. “We don’t serve breakfast.

We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel. By the time I was 14, I owned my own house.

How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but it requires several adjustments.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “Okay, now what?”

Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?

They just wash up on shore.

Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire. That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace.

So the meme didn't work saadly

A guy walks into a bar. he isn't very good at limbo.

You, sir, have egg-cellent Minecraft texture packs