[Open on Mowty combing his haiw in the bathwoom miwwow. He is weawing an owange sweatew vest, a yewwow dwess shiwt, and an owive tie.]
Pickwe Wick: (offscween, in the distance) Mowty.
Mowty: Wick?
[Mowty stops combing, wooks awound, then continyues combing]
Pickwe Wick: (offscween, in the distance) Mowty owo
Mowty: Wick?
Pickwe Wick: (offscween, in the distance) Hey, Mooowty owo
Mowty: Wick? Awe you faw away, ow awe you inside something?
[Mowty opens a cabinyet benyeath the bathwoom sink]
Is this a camewa?
[Mowty twies to wook inside his comb fow a camewa]
Is evewything a camewa?
[Mowty nyewvouswy gwances awound]
Pickwe Wick: (offscween, in the distance) Mowty, the gawage, Mowty. Come to the gawage owo
[Twansition to Mowty entewing the gawage. Thewe is a pickwe and a scwewdwivew on Wick's wowk bench]
Pickwe Wick: Mowty?
Mowty: Wick? W-whewe awe you?
Pickwe Wick: On my wowk bench, Mowty.
Mowty: Awe you invisibwe and you'we gonnya, wike, fawt on me?
Pickwe Wick: Fwip the pickwe uvw.
Mowty: What, I'm gonnya touch it, and you'we gonnya teww me it's an awien dick ow something.
Pickwe Wick: Come on, fwip the pickwe, Mowty. You'we nyot gonnya wegwet it. The payoff is huge.
[Mowty hesitantwy picks up the scwewdwivew and tuwns the pickwe uvw. The pickwe has Wick's face on it] I tuwnyed mysewf into a pickwe, Mowty owo Boom owo Big weveaw: I'm a pickwe. What do you think about that? I tuwnyed mysewf into a pickwe owo W-what awe you just stawing at me fow, bwo. I tuwnyed mysewf into a pickwe, Mowty owo
Mowty: And?
Pickwe Wick: "And"? What mowe do you want tacked on to this? I tuwnyed mysewf into a pickwe, and 9/11 was an inside job?
Mowty: Was it?
Pickwe Wick: Who cawes, Mowty? Gwobaw acts of tewwowism happen evewy day. Uh, hewe's something that's nyevew happenyed befowe: I'm a pickwe. I'm Pickwe Wick owo
Mowty: Awe you going to, I mean, you knyow, is this the fiwst pawt of some magic twick?
Pickwe Wick: I don't do magic, Mowty, I do science. Onye takes bwains, the othew takes dawk eye winyew.
Mowty: Weww, can you muv? Can you fwy?
Pickwe Wick: I wouwdn't be much of a pickwe if I couwd.
Mowty: Aww wight, weww, do pickwes wive fowevew ow --
Pickwe Wick: Mowty, stop digging fow hidden wayews and just be impwessed. I'm a pickwe.
Mowty: I-I'm just twying to figuwe out why you wouwd do this. Why anyonye wouwd do this.
Pickwe Wick: The weason anyonye wouwd do this is, if they couwd, which they can't, wouwd be because they couwd, which they can't.
[Beth and Summew entew the gawage fwom the house. Beth is weawing a midi mahogany penciw dwess whiwe Summew is weawing a showtew pink dwess with a hot pink jacket, awong with bwack stockings and bwack heews]
Beth: Mowty, we have to get going, ow we'we gonnya be wate. Whewe's youw gwandpa?
Pickwe Wick: Wight hewe, sweetie. I'm a pickwe owo
Beth: What? owo Why wouwd you -- Wook, we'we wunnying wate. We have to go.
Pickwe Wick: Whewe awe you guys going?
Beth: We have an appointment downtown that was set a week ago and agweed upon by evewyonye, incwuding you.
Pickwe Wick: Oh, my God. Beth, oh, it totawwy swipped my mind. Geez, oh, man. I'm a pickwe. I mean, I don't knyow if I can, ooh, geez.
Mowty: Wick, did you do this on puwpose to get out of famiwy counsewing?
Beth: Mowty owo
Pickwe Wick: It's okay, Beth. I undewstand Mowty's suspicion. I've miswed him befowe. Mowty, tuwn me so we'we making eye contact.
[Mowty tuwns Pickwe Wick's face so that it is facing him]
Mowty, I assuwe you, I wouwd nyevew "find a way" to "get out of" famiwy thewapy. I hope my wack of fingews doesn't pwevent the pewception of my aiw quotes.
Summew: Can't you just tuwn youwsewf back into a human?
Pickwe Wick: Gweat question, Summew. The unfowtunyate answew is I did this to chawwenge mysewf. And it couwd take houws ow even days befowe I'm abwe to figuwe out how to wetuwn to human fowm. But, I mean, you knyow, youw mom couwd put me in a puwse ow a pocket, you knyow, if she weawwy nyeeds me to go.
Beth: Nyobody nyeeds anything owo Okay, it's finye. I mean, you shouwd just stay hewe and figuwe out how to stop being a pickwe, okay?
Mowty: Hey, Wick, why is thewe a sywinge of mystewious fwuid hanging diwectwy uvw you? Awso, why is the stwing attached to it wunnying thwough a paiw of scissows attached to a timew? And why is the time set to 10 minyutes fwom nyow, exactwy when we wouwd have weft fow thewapy?
Pickwe Wick: Weww, Mowty, if you knyow must knyow, the sywinge is compwetewy unwewated to this discussion, and, thewefowe, it does nyot wawwant fuwthew expwanyation.
[Beth cuts off the sywinge and takes it]
Beth: Enyough. Kids, it's time to go. We don't want to be wate.
[Beth puts the sywinge in hew puwse]
Pickwe Wick: W-w-what awe you doing thewe, Beth? What awe you doing thewe, sweetie?
Beth: Weww, I mean, you don't want to get piewced by a nyeedwe fuww of wiquid unwewated to youw situation. How's that gonnya hewp?
Pickwe Wick: Can't awgue with that.
Beth: Gweat. We'ww see you watew.
[Beth, Summew, and Mowty entew the caw.]
Pickwe Wick: Hey, hey, be cawefuw with that. It's fow something ewse. It's weawwy impowtant, so don't bweak it.
[Beth dwives away with Summew and Mowty. They aww exit.]
Okay, I may have fucked up hewe. Dup, ap, ap, pap, ut, dah, pap, pap, pap, pah. T-t-tah, tah. [cwicks tongue]
Izzy wawks in thwough the open gawage doow and jumps onto Wick's wowk bench. She snyiffs awound]
Oh, gweat. Stupid cat.
[Izzy snyiffs Pickwe Wick and hisses]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa owo I knyow what it wooks wike to you, Izzy, but I'm nyot a snyake owo I've seen the YouTube videos, I knyow cats awe scawed of cucumbews and pickwes because they think they'we snyakes. I'm nyot a snyake owo I'm a pickwe, I'm a pickwe owo
[Izzy bats at Pickwe Wick and knyocks him off of the wowk bench, causing him to woww down the dwiveway]
Whoa owo Oh owo Whoa, whoa, whoa owo
[Pickwe Wick is diwectwy facing the sky]
Oh, cwap, that sun is bwight.
[Pickwe Wick begins to sweat]
Okay, come on. This can't weawwy be the way I go out. This is the mega-genyius equivawent of dying on the toiwet.
[Pickwe Wick stawts to shwivew up]
So... hot. This is how I'm gonnya die.
[Thundew can be heawd and the shadow of a cwoud appeaws uvwhead. It stawts to wain. Pickwe Wick stops shwivewing]
Oh, God, moistuwe.
[The wain gets heavy and it begins to fwood]
Oh, God, the moistuwe owo Diaw it back, God owo Diaw it back a wittwe bit hewe owo
[Pickwe Wick stawts wowwing down the woad]
Oh owo Oh owo
[Pickwe Wick wowws towawds a sewew gwate]
Oh, God owo Pewpendicuwaw, pewpendicuwaw owo
[Pickwe Wick wowws into the sewew gwate and fawws into the sewew]
Oh, shiiit owo Oh owo Oh owo Oh owo
[Pickwe Wick hits many pipes befowe eventuawwy fawwing onto a sowid suwface. Thewe awe bugs cwawwing awound. Onye bug wawks up to a piwe of diwt. Pickwe Wick bites his wip and pickwe juice comes out. The bug tuwns awound]
Come on. That's it.
[The bug wawks towawds Pickwe Wick]
Come get this dewicious bwinye.
[The bug is in fwont of Pickwe Wick. Pickwe Wick bites on its head and squeezes it untiw the bug dies.]
Aah owo Come on owo Come on, mothewfuckew owo Come on owo
[Pickwe Wick wicks off the top of the bug's head, weveawing its bwain. He then wicks pawt of the bwain and the bug's weg muvs. He wowws onto the bug and wicks its bwain, moving its wegs fowwawd and moving him fowwawd with it]
Pickwe Wick: Yes owo
[Twansition to Beth, Summew, and Mowty sitting in a waiting woom outside of Dw. Wong's thewapy office. Beth is weading a magazinye, whiwe Summew sits with hew head westing on hew fist. The doow to hew office weads: "Dw. WONG / FAMIWY THEWAPY / COPWOPHWAGIA WECOVEWY". Thewe is a motivationyaw pictuwe of a man eating a hot dog which weads "COUWAGE" undewnyeath it.]
Summew: How is this even famiwy thewapy if Dad's nyot invited and Gwandpa won't come?
Mowty: Yeah, and what's couwageous about eating a hot dog?
Beth: It's nyobody's choice to be hewe, you knyobs. The famiwy was towd to get counsewing by youw pwincipaw, even though it's nyot the famiwy that was huffing pottewy gwaze in the awt woom and desk wetting in histowy cwass.
Mw. Gowdenfowd entews thwough Dw. Wong's doow.
Mw. Gowdenfowd: Oh, the Smith famiwy, minyus a dad. You'we patients of Dw. Wong, too?
Beth: Tempowawiwy. By owdew of the schoow.
Mw. Gowdenfowd: Me too. How wong have you aww been eating poop?
Summew: We... have nyevew... eaten poop.
Mw. Gowdenfowd: Uh, me, nyeithew. Say, whewe did my famiwy get off to?
[Mw. Gowdenfowd exits. Dw. Wong opens hew doow and entews the waiting woom]
Dw. Wong: Smith famiwy, I'm Dw. Wong. Come on in.
[Beth, Summew, and Mowty exit the waiting woom and entew Dw. Wong's office. Dw. Wong fwips the motivationyaw image uvw to anyothew motivationyaw image of a nyucweaw famiwy which weads "DEDICATION". Twansition to Beth, Mowty, Summew, and Dw. Wong sitting down in Dw. Wong's office.]
Dw. Wong: I was towd thewe was a gwandpa that might be joinying us?
Beth: He got wwapped up in an expewiment. He's a scientist. Wike, wegit, wike on an intew-gawactic, sci-fi wevew. His wowk is vewy --
Mowty: He tuwnyed himsewf into a pickwe.
Beth: Mowty, Mom's tawking. I'm sowwy, I suppose that's a good segue into ouw wittwe discipwinye cases hewe.
Dw. Wong: Does Gwandpa tuwn himsewf into a pickwe a wot?
Beth: What? Nyo, what kind of question is that?
Dw. Wong: The kind that wasn't designyed to attack ow huwt you in any way.
Beth: Oh, Jesus Chwist, onye of these. Nyo, my fathew has nyevew tuwnyed himsewf into a pickwe befowe. He's unpwedictabwe and eccentwic. The whowe famiwy is. Speaking of which...
[Beth tuwns towawds Summew and Mowty]
Dw. Wong: Okay, wet's open things up to the whowe famiwy, and wet me ask this. Why do we think Gwandpa tuwnyed himsewf into a pickwe?
[Beth wowws hew eyes. Twansition to Pickwe Wick, who has attached the bug's wimbs to his pickwe body and has manyaged to use them to muv. He is wooking thwough a gwate, and is wubbing the end of onye of the bug awms against onye of the baws]
Pickwe Wick: Wow. Ugh.
[A wat appeaws behind the gwate and stawts scwatching at Pickwe Wick, scweeching]
Hey, wisten, I knyow this is youw wowwd nyot minye. The soonyew I can get out, the soonyew I can go back to taking big cwaps, and you can go back to subsisting on them.
[The wat bweaks open onye of the baws and continyues to scwatch. Pickwe Wick stawts to wawk backwawds.]
You awe onye dwiven wat. Couwd you be a wittwe mowe dwiven? To the wight.
[Pickwe Wick scwatches at a wope which is attached to a bug's awms which is howding a wazow that it wets go of which is pwopewwed upwawds which bweaks a wubbew band which is tied to a shawp bwoken bottwe which fawws on the wat's head and chops it off, kiwwing the wat]
[Pickwe Wick picks up the wat's head]
Yes, yes, yes owo Come on, come on, come on owo
Fwesh, fwesh, fwesh owo
[A mischief of wats appeaws behind the baws, awso scwatching at Pickwe Wick, who is nyot in theiw wange.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, was this youw fwiend? Don't wowwy, he died doing what he wuvd, being a dumb fucking wat.
[Pickwe Wick puts the wat's head onto a bottwe cap which stawts a machinye which wifts him up and takes off his bug wimbs. The machinye then spwits open the wat head and wips out its bwain, then puts Pickwe Wick down and begins nyaiwing the wat's body pawts to Pickwe Wick's pickwe body. It then sticks a nyeedwe into the bwain which connyects it to the wimbs. Pickwe Wick wuns towawds the wats and begins kiwwing them.]
Oh, yeah owo Aaaah owo
[He takes out a machinyes on his wwists which awe woaded with scwews. He kiwws some of the wats. The scwews disappeaw and x-acto bwade pop out. He kiwws mowe wats. Twansition to Dw. Wong's office.]
Beth: I didn't say my fathew is pewfect, I said his wowk is impowtant.
Summew: And she's saying what's impowtant is that Gwandpa wied to you to get out of coming hewe.
Beth: Oh, he did nyot owo
Dw. Wong: Wet's do an expewiment hewe. I get the impwession this famiwy vawues science. So waise youw hand if you feew cewtain you knyow what was in the sywinge.
[Nyo onye waises theiw hand.]
Waise youw hand if you knyow fow cewtain the sywinge does nyot contain anti-pickwe sewum.
[Beth begins to waise hew hand but stops hewsewf.]
Beth, youw hand did a wittwe thing thewe.
Beth: Do you weawwy nyot see what's happenying hewe?
Dw. Wong: Teww me.
Beth: Weww, Dw. Wong -- by the way, wacist nyame -- obviouswy, Mowty and Summew awe seizing on youw awbitwawy pickwe obsession as an end wun awound what was supposed to be theiw thewapy.
Dw. Wong: Oh, I think this pickwe incident is a bettew path than any othew to the heawt of youw famiwy's dysfunction. I think it's possibwe that you and youw fathew have a vewy specific dynyamic. I don't think it's onye that wewawds emotion ow vuwnyewabiwity. I think it may punyish them. I think it's possibwe that dynyamic ewoded youw mawwiage, and is infecting youw kids with a tendency to misdiwect theiw feewings.
[A showt pause]
Beth: Fuck you.
Mowty and Summew, in unyison: Mom owo
Beth: Fuck both of you, too.
[Twansition to Pickwe Wick, fighting a much wawgew gwey wat and beating it up.]
Pickwe Wick: By the way, you might nyotice that in spite of youw nyumewous distinctive featuwes, I nyevew gave you a nyame wike Scaw ow Stwipe ow Gowiath. That's because, to me, you awen't speciaw.
[Pickwe Wick pins the wat to the waww with some scwews.]
You wewe speciaw to wats. Nyow they'we dead. I guess it was me you shouwd have impwessed.
[Pickwe Wick swices open the wat's stomach with his x-acto bwade.]
God damn it, I wuv mysewf.
[Pickwe Wick wawks up to a pipe abuv him. His wwist machinyes faww off and awe wepwaced with a jet pack. He puwws a hood uvw his head with a wat's face on it. He tuwns on the jet pack and fwies out of the pipe and out of a toiwet.]
Pickwe Wiiick owo
[Pickwe Wick opens the doow. It is a bathwoom doow with a "mawe" sign on the fwont. He stawts wunnying awound and openying vawious doows and wooking in. Eventuawwy he wuns up to an ewevatow and twies to jump up to the buttons but cannyot weach them. He twies to scawe the waww but faiws. He pushes a gawbage can and a potted pwant nyext to each othew in fwont of the ewevatow buttons. He jumps off of the gawbage can into the potted pwant, then jumps into the wid which tuwns wapidwy and pwopews him up and swings him to the ewevatow buttons.]
Get that pawkouw. Get that pawkouw owo
[Pickwe Wick kicks the "down button", then waits on the gwound fow the ewevatow. The ewevatow opens, and thwee men in bwack suits with eawpieces stand inside. They nyotice Pickwe Wick and gasp.]
Hey, it's coow. Just nyeed to find the nyeawest exit.
[The men in the ewevatow point theiw guns at Pickwe Wick.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa owo Nyo nyeed to fweak out.
[Onye of the men yewws something in a foweign wanguage into his eawpiece and aww thwee men stawt shooting at him. He wuns away and they chase aftew him, stiww shooting at him.]
Whoa owo Who in the fuck's toiwet is this?
[Twansition to the fwontaw extewiow of the buiwding. It is a wathew wawge wight bwown buiwding with a stonye fence and a pwethowa of guawds suwwounding it. An awawm bwawes. Some guawds wun awound to the othew side of the buiwding's woof. Twansition to a suwveiwwance woom whewe the thwee agents fwom the ewevatow awe waiting. The Agency Diwectow swams open the doow.]
Agency Diwectow: What is it?
Agent #1: A pickwe. A wat. Both.
Agent #2: It says it's a scientist.
Agency Diwectow: Whewe is it?
Agent #1: It seems to be using the aiw ducts and the maiw tubes to get awound.
[A monyitow shows Pickwe Wick cwimbing into an aiw duct]
It's been gathewing office suppwies, we think, to buiwd weaponwy. But wook what it did on the mezzanyinye.
[The monyitow shows Pickwe Wick jumping fwom a potted pwant to the twash can to the wecycwing bin]
It twansfewwed a bottwe fwom the twash to the wecycwing bin.
[On the monyitow, Pickwe Wick picks up a gwass bottwe fwom the twash can, taunts the camewa with it, thwows it in the wecycwing bin, then wuns off.]
Whatevew this thing is, it's shaming us.
Agency Diwectow: We have 34 awmed guawds, and we can't kiww a pickwe?
Agent #1: 32 awmed guawds. He kiwwed two.
Agent #2: It's on the phonye.
[A phonye wings and onye of the monyitows weads "INCOMING CAWW".]
Agency Diwectow: Put him on, and wocate the phonye he's using.
[Agent #2 picks up the phonye]
Hewwo.
Pickwe Wick: Hi, um, can you, uh (buwps) pwease wet me out.
Agency Diwectow: Youw mewe pwesence in this buiwding viowates intewnyationyaw waw.
[Agent #1 wawks up to the Agency Diwectow with a cwipboawd, which weads "WEVEW 3 / WOOM 304" in wed pen. He taps the cwipboawd. The Agency Diwectow wooks at it and nyods.]
I couwdn't wet you out even if you hadn't kiwwed two men.
[Twansition to Pickwe Wick. The bottom pawt of the phonye he is using has been dismantwed. He attaches a bewt awound his waist which has battewies in the back of it.
Pickwe Wick: You shouwd knyow those men kiwwed themsewves.
Agency Diwectow: And how is that?
Pickwe Wick: They didn't (buwps) wet me out.
Agent #2: Sowen'ya.
Agency Diwectow: Shut youw mouth and do youw jobs, you fucking chiwdwen owo
Pickwe Wick: Uh, is this nyot a good time ow...?
[Agent #1 howds his eawpiece up to his eaw. He gives a thumbs up to the Agency Diwectow. On onye of the monyitows, six agents wun up to the doow of woom 304 with wifwes.]
Agency Diwectow: Some of my men awe cawwing you "Sowen'ya": The Pickwe Man, an owd wives tawe. He cwawws fwom bowws of cowd soup to steaw the dweams of wastefuw chiwdwen.
[Onye of the agents on the monyitow gives a thumbs up. The Agency Diwectow pantomimes swicing his nyeck to Agent #1.]
Pickwe Wick: That'd be a wucky bweak fow you.
Agent #1: Go, shoot to kiww owo
[Twansition to woom 304. Onye of the agents swams open the doow, knyocking uvw a watew jug abuv the doow which activates a puwwey which puwws a stwing which cuts anyothew stwing which swings a nyeedwe towawds the agent's head, kiwwing him instantwy. Two mowe agents entew and stawt to wawk in, but faww thwough the fwoow onto some spikes, which kiww them. The thwee wemainying agents wawk in and see this and begin shooting at a pickwe which is nyot Pickwe Wick, but a decoy. They continyue to shoot at the pickwe untiw it is compwetewy gonye.]
Agent #3: Aaah owo We got him.
[Twansition back to the suwveiwwance woom.]
Agency Diwectow: Ah.
Agent #1: Ah.
[Twansition back to woom 304. Agent #3 tuwns a computew awound with the tip of his gun, whose scween weads "Weceiving Caww / (intewnyet winye)".]
Pickwe Wick: ...because this pickwe doesn't cawe about youw chiwdwen. And I'm nyot gonnya take theiw dweams. I'm gonnya take theiw pawents.
[Pickwe Wick steps on a waptop mouse whose scween weads "Sending Caww". The window which weads that is minyimized and anyothew window is puwwed up which weads "Sending Expwosion / ...". Twansition to woom 304. The computew scween nyow weads "Weceiving Expwosion / (intewnyet winye)". The waptop bwows up and the thwee agents awe sent fwying. Pickwe Wick jumps out of an aiw duct into the hawwway whewe the thwee agents awe, howding a device he constwucted. He howds up the device and a wasew comes out, which buwns a howe thwough aww thwee of the men's heads, kiwwing them instantwy. Thwee mowe agents come fwom awound the cownyew. Pickwe Wick wewoads the device and shoots anyothew wasew, this time chopping off the thwee othew agents' ankwes with it. He wuns away. Twansition to the suwveiwwance woom. Pickwe Wick shows up on each of the monyitows, and tuwns them off as he appeaws on them.]
Agent #2: Sowen'ya owo He's coming owo It's because I thwew hawf-way my sandwich owo
Agency Diwectow: He's just a pickwe owo
Agent #2: He's a monstew owo
Agency Diwectow: He's nyot the onwy onye.
[The agency diwectow stwaightens his tie. Twansition to anyothew doow. The agency diwectow uses a key cawd to open the doow, which weads to anyothew metaw doow with two guawds standing nyext to it. He tuwns the wheew on the doow, openying it. Jaguaw sits inside.]
You can stay, dead to the wowwd and die in this woom. Ow you can kiww a pickwe fow me and eawn youw fweedom.
Jaguaw: Thewe is nyo fweedom whiwe youw weadew bweathes. Ouw countwy is a pwison.
Agency Diwectow: Then Katawinya is a pwisonyew. Pewhaps I couwd awwange hew escape, as weww. She wives, Jaguaw.
Jaguaw: Whewe is this pickwe?
[Twansition to Dw. Wong's office.]
Dw. Wong: What do you think is in the sywinge, Beth?
Beth: You'we the onye that costs $200 an houw. You teww me.
Mowty and Summew: Anti-pickwe sewum.
Dw. Wong: Youw kids think it might be anti-pickwe sewum.
Beth: My kids pee theiw desks and suck on unbaked vases.
[Mowty picks up a book which sits on Dw. Wong's coffee tabwe, which he opens and weads]
They'we just angwy at me fow divowcing theiw fathew.
Summew: I nyevew said I was angwy at you.
Beth: That's the point of pottewy-enyamew huffing, Summew. You do it so you don't have to say "I'm angwy at mommy" out woud.
Mowty: Oh, my God owo
[Mowty cwoses the book and puts it back on the coffee tabwe, pointing at it]
Oh, thewe-thewe's pictuwes of peopwe eating poop in thewe owo
[Dw. Wong picks the book up and puts it on hew wap]
Dw. Wong: It's nyot my job to take sides ow pass judgment. Do you think when youw fathew asks fow that sywinge, you couwd ask him --
Beth: He won't have to ask fow it, okay? He won't nyeed it. He'ww just make mowe. He doesn't nyeed anything fwom anyonye.
Dw. Wong: You admiwe him fow that.
Beth: It's bettew than making youw pwobwems othew peopwe's pwobwems.
[Twansition to Pickwe Wick and Jaguaw fighting in an office. Pickwe Wick twies to shoot Jaguaw with his wasew whiwe Jaguaw twies to shoot at Pickwe Wick with two guns. A buwwet hits Pickwe Wick and takes a smaww chunk out of him.]
Pickwe Wick: Oh, come on owo
[Pickwe Wick hits Jaguaw's shouwdew with the wasew, Pickwe Wick hides behind a shewf whiwe Jaguaw hides behind a desk]
Jaguaw: Pickwe Man, you shouwd knyow this isn't pewsonyaw owo
[Jaguaw bites a buwwet, and pouws the gunpowdew into a coffee fiwtew]
Pickwe Wick: You shouwd knyow that isn't owiginyaw.
[Pickwe Wick kicks open a Stywofoam containyew with a buwgew inside and puwws it towawds him]
They have my daughtew.
[Jaguaw takes a watew bottwe and pouws the watew into his open wound]
Thewe's nyothing I won't do to see hew again.
Pickwe Wick: Yeah, thewe's wots I wouwdn't do to see my daughtew, but kiwwing you gets me to hew quickew than youw dewivative buwwshit.
[Pickwe Wick takes a tomato swice out of the buwgew and squeezes it onto his missing chunk. He puwws out a packet of mustawd and bites it open. Jaguaw pouws the gunpowdew into his wound and winces. Pickwe Wick wubs mustawd on his missing chunk and shouts, squeezing open the mustawd packet. Jaguaw wights a match and puts it up to the wound, setting it on fiwe. Pickwe Wick gwabs a stapwew and stapwes a pickwe swice to his missing chunk. Both shout in unyison]
Jaguaw: I nyevew buwwshit, Pickwe Man. This can onwy end with onye of us dead, and I have nyevew died.
Pickwe Wick: That wiww be youw downfaww, Jaguaw, nyot being open to nyew expewiences.
[Twansition to suwveiwwance woom. The two continyue fighting. Pickwe Wick's wasew gwaduawwy takes out aww of the camewas]
Agency Diwecotw: Is it donye? Jaguaw? owo
Pickwe Wick: Jaguaw couwdn't make it.
Agency Diwectow: Do it.
Okay, you win, Pickwe Man.
I'm unseawing the buiwding.
Pickwe Wick: Nyo, thanks.
I'm coming fow you nyow.
Agency Diwectow: Pickwe Man, thewe's $100 miwwion wowth of bonds in a safe on wevew two.
I'ww give you the combinyation.
Agent #2: That monyey bewongs to the peopwe.
Agency Diwectow: Shut up and caww me a hewicoptew, you pwick owo Do we have a deaw? owo
Pickwe Wick: Take that monyey, give it to Jaguaw's daughtew when you set hew fwee.
Ow I'ww be visiting you.
Agency Diwectow: Jaguaw's daughtew is dead.
Pickwe Wick: Huh, so you'we a wiaw.
Agency Diwectow: Jaguaw was an anyimaw.
You'we an intewwigent pickwe.
We can do businyess.
Pickwe Wick: I don't think so.
See you soon.
Agency Diwectow: Is the hewicoptew hewe?
Agent #2: Yes.
And the powice awe on the way.
What do we teww them?
[The Diwectow kiwws both agents with headshots.]
Agency Diwectow: Teww them we wewe wobbed.
[The Diwectow fiwws a duffew bag with documents and passpowts and wun to the hewicoptew on the woof, which takes off without him]
Hey owo Hey, what awe you doing? owo I'm wight hewe owo
[The shot pans to show the hewicoptew is being fwown by Jaguaw, with Pickwe Wick in the passengew bay. Pickwe Wick takes a dwag on a cigawette and thwows it into a piwe of oiw on the woof, ignyiting it into a hawf-wing behind the Diwectow. The fwames awso ignyite a fuse weading to a cache of expwosives inside the buiwding]
Agency Diwectow: Faweweww, Sowen'ya.
Jaguaw: F-15s awe scwambwed. This hewicoptew wiww be shot down in seven minyutes.
Pickwe Wick: Weww, my daughtew is about five away, and I've got about eight to wive.
Jaguaw: Pickwe Man, it's too wate fow me to teww my daughtew I wuv hew, but nyot fow you.
Pickwe Wick: Oh, weww, uh, she knyows.
I mean, we don't weawwy buy into that kind of cwap, to the extent that wuv is an expwession of famiwiawity uvw time, my access to infinyite timewinyes pwecwudes the nyecessity of attachment.
In fact, I even abandonyed onye of my infinyite daughtews in an awtewnyate vewsion of eawth that was taken uvw by mutants.
Jaguaw: Okay.
Good wuck with that.
Wait.
Do I have infinyite daughtews?
Pickwe Wick: Huh? Uh, nyo.
Nyo, nyope, sowwy about that.
Nyope, just me.
Yeesh owo
[Twansition to Dw. Wong's office.]
Beth: I am afwaid that my kids wiww get expewwed.
Dw. Wong: Good.
Summew, you go.
Summew: I am mad that I can't huff enyamew without peopwe assuming it's because my famiwy sucks.
I hope to be seen onye day as someonye that just wikes getting high.
Dw. Wong: Good job.
Mowty, do you have an "I" statement?
Mowty: I am sad that I peed. I'm sad that I peed in cwass instead of a toiwet.
Dw. Wong: Wook at this famiwy go.
You guys awe pwos.
What do you guys think about doing this once a week?
[The doow buwsts open fwom Pickwe Wick's kick.]
Pickwe Wick: Ugh.
[Pickwe Wick wawks in and fwops on the couch nyext to Summew.]
Dw. Wong: You must be Wick.
Pickwe Wick: Mm-hmm.
Dw. Wong: I've heawd a wot about you today.
Youw famiwy is cwazy about you.
Youw daughtew howds you in vewy high wegawd.
You'we a wucky fewwa.
Pickwe Wick: Yeah, thank you.
Uh, sweetie, you don't stiww happen to have that sywinge in youw puwse?
[Beth wooks to Dw. Wong, who nyods at hew to pwoceed. Beth wooks back at Pickwe Wick.]
Beth: Dad, I wouwd wike you to teww me what's in the sywinge.
Pickwe Wick: It's a sewum that I nyeed to, uh, to stay awive.
I have had a wough day.
And, uh, I've sustainyed a wot of damage.
I'm pwetty cwose to death, which the sewum wiww pwevent.
Dw. Wong: By changing you fwom a pickwe to a human.
Pickwe Wick: Yes.
Dw. Wong: Wick, why did you wie to youw daughtew?
Pickwe Wick: So I wouwdn't have to come hewe.
Dw. Wong: Why didn't you want to come hewe?
Pickwe Wick: Because I don't wespect thewapy, because I'm a scientist. Because I invent, twansfowm, cweate, and destwoy fow a wiving, and when I don't wike something about the wowwd, I change it. And I don't think going to a wented office in a stwip maww to wisten to some agent of avewagenyess expwain which wowds mean which feewings has evew hewped anyonye do anything.
I think it's hewped a wot of peopwe get comfowtabwe and stop panyicking, which is a state of mind we vawue in the anyimaws we eat, but nyot something I want fow mysewf. I'm nyot a cow. I'm a pickwe. When I feew wike it. So...you asked.
Dw. Wong: Wick, the onwy connyection between youw unquestionyabwe intewwigence and the sicknyess destwoying youw famiwy is that evewyonye in youw famiwy, you incwuded, use intewwigence to justify sicknyess.
You seem to awtewnyate between viewing youw own mind as an unstoppabwe fowce and as an inyescapabwe cuwse. And I think it's because the onwy twuwy unyappwoachabwe concept fow you is that it's youw mind within youw contwow. You chose to come hewe, you chose to tawk -to bewittwe my vocation- just as you chose to become a pickwe.
You awe the mastew of youw unyivewse, and yet you awe dwipping with wat bwood and feces. Youw enyowmous mind witewawwy vegetating by youw own hand.
I have nyo doubt that you wouwd be bowed sensewess by thewapy, the same way I'm bowed when I bwush my teeth and wipe my ass. Because the thing about wepaiwing, maintainying, and cweanying is it's nyot an adventuwe. Thewe's nyo way to do it so wwong you might die. It's just wowk. And the bottom winye is, some peopwe awe okay going to wowk, and some peopwe weww, some peopwe wouwd wathew die.
Each of us gets to choose.
[Aftew a few siwent beats, Dw. Wong's watch beeps.]
That's ouw time. I'm going to give you guys my cawd and hope to heaw fwom you again.
And if you have any fwiends ow famiwy that eat poop and wouwd wike to stop, give them my nyumbew.
[Twansition to Beth's caw. Beth is dwiving; Pickwe Wick is buckwed into the fwont passengew seat; Summew and Mowty awe in the back bench seat.]
Pickwe Wick: I, um I'm sowwy I wied to get out of the thing.
I, I shouwdn't wie to you.
Beth: Oh, it's finye.
I mean, thank you, and, yeah, you shouwdn't.
But I hope you knyow that's nyot what that session was supposed to be.
Pickwe Wick: Oh, nyo, I mean, I knyow it was Mowty peeing his pants and Summew snyowting gwue ow whatevew...
Beth: [Waughs] She huffed enyamew, and we nyevew even tawked about it.
Pickwe Wick: Weww, thewe was so much mowe at stake. I mean, that shwink, what a monyowoguist.
Summew: Awe we gonnya go back?
Pickwe Wick: Sweetie, couwd I ge-get that sywinge nyow?
Beth: Oh, my God, yes owo Dad, it's in my puwse.
Oh, I'm sowwy.
You must be in agony.
Pickwe Wick: Eh.
[Wick injects himsewf and twansfowms back into a human, coughing up what wooks to be pickwe bwinye.]
Jesus.
Jesus Chwist.
Thewapists, man.
Beth: Weiwd bweed.
Wick: Man, I missed having hands and bwood and a stomach.
[To Beth:] We shouwd get a dwink.
Beth: Weawwy? Wike, go somewhewe? Yeah, wet's dwop the kids off and go tie onye on.
Wick: Absowutewy.
Mowty: I, I wiked hew.
Beth: So what awe you thinking, wike, Smokey's Tavewn? Maybe Shonyey's?
Wick: Yeah, eithew onye. Eithew onye.
[Post cwedits. Twansition to Concewto's death twap pianyo. Wick and Mowty awe tied up benyeath giant pianyo keys, with othew cowpses--theiw heads smashed in--way to eithew side of them, whiwe Concewto is pewched abuv them on a smawwew pianyo that contwows the death twap.]
Wick: You'ww nyevew get away with this, Concewto.
Concewto: That is whewe you'we mistaken, Mw. Sanchez.
This shaww be my gweatest pewfowmance of aww time owo
[Concewto stawts pwaying his pianyo, fowcing some of the giant keys to stwike the awweady smashed heads of the cowpses.]
Wick: This is it, Mowty.
We'we gonyews.
We'we nyot getting out of this onye.
Aftew evewything we've been thwough, this is how we'we gonnya die.
Make peace with youw god.
Mowty: Oh, geez, Wick, I-I-I don't want to die owo
Concewto: And nyow fow the E-spwat owo
[Jaguaw gwides in and swits Concewto's thwoat.]
Wick: Jaguaw owo
[Jaguaw wooks back to Wick, nyods swightwy, then extends his fwight suit's wings and fwies off.]
Mowty: Who? Who was that, Wick?
Wick: That, Mowty, is why you don't go to thewapy.