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Tell a joke!
Tell a joke! Please no racist jokes or inappropriate (13+) jokes. Please put answers in spoilers!
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How do you know a elephants been in your fridge
How????
Footprints in your butter :3 (it cant get in so theres footprints )
How????
Footprints in your butter :3 (it cant get in so theres footprints )
why didnt the skeleton cross the road,
Click to reveal
cause he didnt have the guts!
anyone else?
This is more of a thinker than a "haha" funny joke.
Bob went to Canada on a horse. He went there on Sunday. He only stayed for one day. How did he get out on Thursday?
Bob went to Canada on a horse. He went there on Sunday. He only stayed for one day. How did he get out on Thursday?
Click to reveal
His horses name was Thursday!
Yep. I think we should make a rule: no commenting on other people's jokes unless it's "lol" or something like that. There's nothing like the shame of making a bad joke.
A mathematician is on a nine-hour flight across the Atlantic.
Soon an announcement comes on, saying this:
"One of our engines has failed, but that doesn't matter, this plane can fly with three engines. We'll be in the air for 12 hours instead of 9, that's all."
The patient mathematician waits for a few minutes, then another announcement comes on.
"Another engine has failed; we'll be in the air for hours altogether, don't worry."
After a few more minutes, an announcement comes on again.
"Another engine has failed, but don't worry. The last engine is specially designed and will never fail. We'll be in the air for 16 hours in total though, so you'll have to be very patient."
The mathematician says to himself: "Good thing the last engine is specially designed, otherwise, if it failed, we'd be in the air for 24 hours altogether!"
(I do apologise if that joke offended anyone. Bad jokes tend to.)
A mathematician is on a nine-hour flight across the Atlantic.
Soon an announcement comes on, saying this:
"One of our engines has failed, but that doesn't matter, this plane can fly with three engines. We'll be in the air for 12 hours instead of 9, that's all."
The patient mathematician waits for a few minutes, then another announcement comes on.
"Another engine has failed; we'll be in the air for hours altogether, don't worry."
After a few more minutes, an announcement comes on again.
"Another engine has failed, but don't worry. The last engine is specially designed and will never fail. We'll be in the air for 16 hours in total though, so you'll have to be very patient."
The mathematician says to himself: "Good thing the last engine is specially designed, otherwise, if it failed, we'd be in the air for 24 hours altogether!"
(I do apologise if that joke offended anyone. Bad jokes tend to.)
Little Dwarfy came home from school and asked his mom what son of a bitch meant!she said Preist
The next day Little Dwarfy came home from school and asked his mom what shit meant!
she said Dinner
The next day Little Dwarfy came home from school and asked his mom what fucking meant! she said getting changed
One night a priest came over and little dwarfy opened the door and said "Hello son of a bitch, shits on the table and mum and dad is upstairs fucking.xD
The next day Little Dwarfy came home from school and asked his mom what shit meant!
she said Dinner
The next day Little Dwarfy came home from school and asked his mom what fucking meant! she said getting changed
One night a priest came over and little dwarfy opened the door and said "Hello son of a bitch, shits on the table and mum and dad is upstairs fucking.xD
Any more?
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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Yesterday night my neighbour came knocking on my door at 2 o'clock in the night
luckily i was up and playing on my bagpipes!
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three men are stranded on a desert, they soon find a lamp with a djini inside, he grants them a wish each, the first man asks to leave the island and the second one asks for the same, the third one says "I feel so lonely, i wish my 2 friends were back here!
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a women gets on the bus with her baby and the driver says, " ugh thats the ugliest baby ive ever seen!" the woman is shocked and walks to the back of the bus and says to the man next to her, "the driver just insulted me" and the man replies "Ok, go on, tell him off, ill hold your monkey for you!"
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My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
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I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy." I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!"
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Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!"
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My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
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A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."
Here were my fav jokes
Click this egg!
Click this egg too!
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Yesterday night my neighbour came knocking on my door at 2 o'clock in the night
luckily i was up and playing on my bagpipes!
------------------------------------------------
three men are stranded on a desert, they soon find a lamp with a djini inside, he grants them a wish each, the first man asks to leave the island and the second one asks for the same, the third one says "I feel so lonely, i wish my 2 friends were back here!
-----------------------------------------------
a women gets on the bus with her baby and the driver says, " ugh thats the ugliest baby ive ever seen!" the woman is shocked and walks to the back of the bus and says to the man next to her, "the driver just insulted me" and the man replies "Ok, go on, tell him off, ill hold your monkey for you!"
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My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
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I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy." I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!"
-----------------------------------------------
Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!"
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My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
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A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."
Here were my fav jokes
Click this egg! Click this egg too!
What did the king of Ireland say after the Great Potato Famine?
An American, A Frenchman and an Irish guy are sitting at a bar. They all order beers. The Frenchman notices a fly in his and pushes the glass away disgusted. The American notices that his too, has a fly. He plucks the fly out and takes a sip. The Irishman looks in his beer and sure enough there is a big fat fly floating in his beer. He snatches the fly out of the glass screaming "SPIT IT OUT YOU LITTLE ____"
Click to reveal
Someone get me a F&*%ing POTATO
An American, A Frenchman and an Irish guy are sitting at a bar. They all order beers. The Frenchman notices a fly in his and pushes the glass away disgusted. The American notices that his too, has a fly. He plucks the fly out and takes a sip. The Irishman looks in his beer and sure enough there is a big fat fly floating in his beer. He snatches the fly out of the glass screaming "SPIT IT OUT YOU LITTLE ____"
I think everyones left....
Any else?
50 Pages of Jokes later...
P.S That wasn't googled
P.S That wasn't googled
Leonard: Just act casual and say I'm going to the office
Sheldon: Alright.
Person1: Hey where is Leonard going?
Sheldon: *Points to an office door* Leonard is going to the office!!
Sheldon: Alright.
Person1: Hey where is Leonard going?
Sheldon: *Points to an office door* Leonard is going to the office!!
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
wait Ive got another! how do you make time fly?
Click to reveal
throw a clock in the air!
what do you call a man with a spade in his head?
doug.......
what do you call a man without a spade in his head?
dougless
what do you call a paki with a pig on his head?
hamed (HAM-HEAD)
What do you call Paki with 2 pigs on his head?
Mohammed (More hamhead) lol
doug.......
what do you call a man without a spade in his head?
dougless
what do you call a paki with a pig on his head?
hamed (HAM-HEAD)
What do you call Paki with 2 pigs on his head?
Mohammed (More hamhead) lol
what do u call a man on the floor??
Matt
Matt
koala walks into a bar
the owner says to another customer, hey its the koala! he eats shoots and leaves.
the man jumps behind a chair
the owner says: why did you just do that?
you said he eats shoots and leaves!
*owner looks blank*
wait wheres his gun?
Lol
the owner says to another customer, hey its the koala! he eats shoots and leaves.
the man jumps behind a chair
the owner says: why did you just do that?
you said he eats shoots and leaves!
*owner looks blank*
wait wheres his gun?
Lol
Knock knock
Who's there?
Control freak, now you say "Control freak who?"
Who's there?
Control freak, now you say "Control freak who?"
It's not as good, when you know it was googled...
Who can jump higher than the church?
Click to reveal
Everyone, the church doesnt jump!
Joke 1: What is a corns favorite position in the military?
Answer: Colonel! (pronounced kernel)
Q: Why didn't anyone laugh at the gardener's jokes?
A: Because they were too corny!
Q: What did the corn say when he got complimented?
A: Aww, shucks!
Q: What does moldy corn flakes have in common with Charles Manson?
A: They are both Cereal Killers!
2: A vampire and his son are playing chess, the son keeps winning, so the son says "Dad, you suck!" lolololol get it, suck!
Answer: Colonel! (pronounced kernel)
Q: Why didn't anyone laugh at the gardener's jokes?
A: Because they were too corny!
Q: What did the corn say when he got complimented?
A: Aww, shucks!
Q: What does moldy corn flakes have in common with Charles Manson?
A: They are both Cereal Killers!
2: A vampire and his son are playing chess, the son keeps winning, so the son says "Dad, you suck!" lolololol get it, suck!
Ok it doesn't work so here's the joke
Why is 6 so scared of 7?
Because 789
Why is 6 so scared of 7?
Because 789
Did this picture appear?
If you have a QR code reader?
Want a Pizza joke? Nevermind it's too cheesy.
What do you call a guy with ham on his head? Hammond
What do you call a guy with more ham on his head? Mohammed
Be dun *drum hit*...
What do you call a guy with ham on his head? Hammond
What do you call a guy with more ham on his head? Mohammed
Be dun *drum hit*...
Want to hear two short jokes and a long joke?
Joke. Joke. Joooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkke.
Joke. Joke. Joooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkke.
Why did Mary fall off the swing?
Because, She had no arms.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Well, definitely not Mary.
Because, She had no arms.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Well, definitely not Mary.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Why did the elephant paint it's head yellow?
What's the difference between a wolf and a flea?
There are 99 people on a ship. The ship flips over. How many people are left?
Long answerless one v
How do you know carrots are good for your eyesight?
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Click to reveal
You pull the pin and throw it back.
Why did the elephant paint it's head yellow?
Click to reveal
To see if blondes really did have more fun.
What's the difference between a wolf and a flea?
Click to reveal
One howls on the preary, the other prowls on the hairy.
There are 99 people on a ship. The ship flips over. How many people are left?
Click to reveal
66.
Long answerless one v
Click to reveal
A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.
"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.
"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.
The bartender replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.
The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -"
The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, man. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.
"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.
The bartender replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.
The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -"
The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, man. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
How do you know carrots are good for your eyesight?
Click to reveal
Rabbits never wear glasses.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Answer1
He didn't. There wasn't any roads.
Answer2
Because the chicken wasn't alive yet.
a man was named Your Alex Creeper,
a man walked up to him and said
Man: hey, whats your name?
Your: Your A Creeper
Man: What? No Im not
Your: I know your not I am
Man: *runs away*
Your: What did I say?
a man walked up to him and said
Man: hey, whats your name?
Your: Your A Creeper
Man: What? No Im not
Your: I know your not I am
Man: *runs away*
Your: What did I say?
God, I laughed my head off for like an hour. xD
So there are 3 friends that go out on a boat. One is named Nobody, one is named Crazy and one is named Nothing. Nobody fell out of the boat, Nothing tried to help him and Crazy called 911 to get help. When 911 picked up, Crazy said "Hello, I'm Crazy. Nobody fell out of the boat and Nothing is trying to help him. Can you come help?"
I'm a dwarf and I diggy, diggy, holey!
So the government are giving out free cheese. 3 guys are at the back of the line.
Guy 1: Hey we need to get some cheese and i'm waiting all day.
Guy 2: Yeah!
Guys 3: I agree.
so they run to the front of the line and each guy grabs a block of cheese. and the b-line it down the hallway.
Guy 1: What'd you guys get, i think i got some blue cheese.
Guy 2: I think i got cheddar cheese.
Guy 3: I think i got Nacho cheese!
Guy 1: Hey we need to get some cheese and i'm waiting all day.
Guy 2: Yeah!
Guys 3: I agree.
so they run to the front of the line and each guy grabs a block of cheese. and the b-line it down the hallway.
Guy 1: What'd you guys get, i think i got some blue cheese.
Guy 2: I think i got cheddar cheese.
Guy 3: I think i got Nacho cheese!
There already is a joke hub.
Homestuck.
and then nobody knows what homestuck is
and then nobody knows what homestuck is
Hey! What about me!
"What should I sing next?"
"Do you know 'Bridge Over Troubled Water?'"
"Yes."
"Then go jump off of it."
"Do you know 'Bridge Over Troubled Water?'"
"Yes."
"Then go jump off of it."
A plane crashes into the ocean and the only survivors are an Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American who manage to get onto a life raft. They paddle to a tropical island but get captured by cannibals. The cannibal chief explains that they will be killed, gutted for their meat, and skinned to make a canoe. However, each one is allowed to choose their manner of death.
The Englishman pulls out a revolver, shouts "God save the queen," and shoots himself in the head.
The Frenchman pulls out a cyanide pill, says "Vive la France," and pops it into his mouth.
The American pulls out a fork and starts stabbing himself, saying "Screw your damn canoe."
The Englishman pulls out a revolver, shouts "God save the queen," and shoots himself in the head.
The Frenchman pulls out a cyanide pill, says "Vive la France," and pops it into his mouth.
The American pulls out a fork and starts stabbing himself, saying "Screw your damn canoe."
Two blondes walk into a bar, you would of thought at least one of them saw it.
Why couldn't the zoo take a test?
Click to reveal
Too many cheetahs!
[/quote] Well, seeing that it wasn't invented then, no.[/quote]
Its called a joke. The thread is called TELL A JOKE so thanks for killing it.[/quote]
No problem. You obviously don't understand sarcasm.[/quote]
No, because you can't read sarcasm, if you used Ittalics then I would of.
Its called a joke. The thread is called TELL A JOKE so thanks for killing it.[/quote]
No problem. You obviously don't understand sarcasm.[/quote]
No, because you can't read sarcasm, if you used Ittalics then I would of.
So a seal walked into a club...
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Wanna hear a clean joke?
xD Dad jokes FTW
Click to reveal
Johnny jumped into Mud.
Wanna hear a clean joke?
Click to reveal
Johnny took a shower
xD Dad jokes FTW
Here is a minecraft joke...
Apparently Hitler rebuilt the third reich block by block.
Was he playing mein craft then?
Apparently Hitler rebuilt the third reich block by block.
Was he playing mein craft then?
Well, seeing that it wasn't invented then, no.
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