2
Stave I: The Dragon
I was walking to Gorges, my home in the mountains. Life there is tricky. One day you could have a perfect farm turnout, and the next they could get burned by a Drake. Such as Doroke, a local Drake. He is a big young adult male Drake. We get hit by a Drake just about every week. The Wyrms go South for year-around, and the Wyverns just fly higher than we can see. Even on the biggest mountain in our Gorges could a small shadow of them be seen. As I walked home, I look in awe, the Great Tree's leaves have just been cut off. The village was burned, but only my house was standing. "Annie, Tom, Ralph!" I cried as I tried to search for some survivers. I honestly thought it must've been a Wyrm, but they are in the South. I looked in the library in Mount Wisdom. I looked for the employees, there was one, cowering under a table. "What has happened to our town?!?!" I asked as good as I could. "317-317 isle 10" She answered in a frightened tone. I looked in isle ten for 317-317. Boom, there it is in the middle. "History as far as the eye can see" it said. "Hey lady, what page?" I yelled so she could hear me. "P-P-Page 227, The Dragon of Eternal Darkness" She answered in a frightened tone. I looked at the page she told me, 227, it was remarkably "The Dragon of Eternal Darkness". I read and read and read until I had a headache, like two pages, the book was huge with only one pic. per page. "This dragon is the one and only Drake that lives in the End, Son of Grigori (Dragon's Dogma {HUGE!}), Niece of Alduin (Skyrim). Yet weaker than his relatives, he is the most hardest creature in Drakota. He sometimes goes through an ender portal to this world. He does not show mercy. Beware he.................". There was a part cut out. "Well I know who will die, and who is going to suffer" He yelled as he stormed out of the library.
I was walking to Gorges, my home in the mountains. Life there is tricky. One day you could have a perfect farm turnout, and the next they could get burned by a Drake. Such as Doroke, a local Drake. He is a big young adult male Drake. We get hit by a Drake just about every week. The Wyrms go South for year-around, and the Wyverns just fly higher than we can see. Even on the biggest mountain in our Gorges could a small shadow of them be seen. As I walked home, I look in awe, the Great Tree's leaves have just been cut off. The village was burned, but only my house was standing. "Annie, Tom, Ralph!" I cried as I tried to search for some survivers. I honestly thought it must've been a Wyrm, but they are in the South. I looked in the library in Mount Wisdom. I looked for the employees, there was one, cowering under a table. "What has happened to our town?!?!" I asked as good as I could. "317-317 isle 10" She answered in a frightened tone. I looked in isle ten for 317-317. Boom, there it is in the middle. "History as far as the eye can see" it said. "Hey lady, what page?" I yelled so she could hear me. "P-P-Page 227, The Dragon of Eternal Darkness" She answered in a frightened tone. I looked at the page she told me, 227, it was remarkably "The Dragon of Eternal Darkness". I read and read and read until I had a headache, like two pages, the book was huge with only one pic. per page. "This dragon is the one and only Drake that lives in the End, Son of Grigori (Dragon's Dogma {HUGE!}), Niece of Alduin (Skyrim). Yet weaker than his relatives, he is the most hardest creature in Drakota. He sometimes goes through an ender portal to this world. He does not show mercy. Beware he.................". There was a part cut out. "Well I know who will die, and who is going to suffer" He yelled as he stormed out of the library.
| Credit | Skyrim and Dragon's Dogma |
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The most pressing issue that I can see is that this looks rushed. I'm guilty of it too, sometimes, and it can really detract from the quality of the story. Just to give a quick example, you wrote,
"The village was burned, but only my house was standing. "Annie, Tom, Ralph!" I cried as I tried to search for some survivers. I honestly thought it must've been a Wyrm, but they are in the South. I looked in the library in Mount Wisdom..."
That seems a bit rushed. If you expand it a bit, the story will feel 'smoother' as you read it. I know that sounds a bit odd, but it's an accurate way of saying it. I'll give an example of how you can expand it...
"The entire villiage was burnt, except for, curiously enough, my house. "Annie! Tom! Ralph!" I called out, hoping someone would respond, but no one did. I entered my house and searched every room, but every one was empty. (Note there is still a little bit of rushing there, that's just so this comment won't be too long, I would advise stretching that out to searching room-by-room.) I looked outside and searched even more, but there were no survivors around. "Was it a Wyrm? That would make sense, except for the fact that they all live in the south. What could this have been, then?" I decided to check to see if the library was still standing, and if it did, if it had any information that could be helpful."
Again, there was still a bit of rushing in this, and it's considerably longer than the original version, but it flows so much better.
There are a few grammar mistakes, but there aren't many, so I don't think I need to address those.