WARNING: The following may be disturbing.
Viewer dissection is advised. (And yes, I meant to spell dissection.)

The video had seemed innocent enough. Maybe there would be some epicness, some depression over losing an old friend. Some of his other videos were that way, so this wouldn't be too different. But wait 'till I tell you. It began as a regular Spongebob episode should, with Painty saying, "Are you ready, kids?" But then something happened. When I expected him to say "I can't hear you!", the area outside of Painty's picture was black, and the picture itself had gone gray and staticy, and it looked like someone had smashed the camera "with a rock or something, or a stone." -Quote from Kung Pow! He spoke his ever-so-famous "I can't hear you!", but distorted, and at least an octave lower. The screen became a mess of static and the occasional picture of Spongebob while thinking "I don't need it" from that episode Tea At The Treedome. When it subsided, there was an image like you would get on an old TV when something was broken, but it was gray and bending at odd angles. In the center stood Spongebob himself, just standing there smiling. His eyes, though... Those eyes... Hyper-realistic and soul piercing. AwfulFawfulTheFalafle's Spongebob with black eyes was nothing compared to this. There was also strange music playing on some string instrument. The music felt droopy, like that Salvador Dali painting of the clocks drooping over various surfaces. It just seemed to suck any positive energy right out of me.

If you like YouTube Poop as much as I did, you would know that I was talking about BlarnToTheBlarn's "Ode To New Spongebob". If you didn't know that, congrats. I envy you for not having gone through what I did. Here's the video if you really want to watch it, but be warned. I come out of AwfulFawfulTheFalafel's videos unscathed, and this gave me nightmares for over 3 days. 3 DAYS!

Anyway, the weird thing was I wasn't scared, or startled, or even slightly concerned for my mental health. I was angry. Who did this yellow jerk think he was, just standing there all innocent-like?! He was fooling no one with that smile! I heard Cave Johnson's voice in my head: "Get mad!" It probably was a little bit weird to get mad at an image on a screen, but I didn't care. I closed the browser and went to bed, still wanting to jam my fist through the monitor.

The next day, I went for a bike ride to take my mind off things. Especially that video. As I zoomed down the road, I took a tree branch in the face pretty hard. While trying to recover, I saw an odd image in my head. It was a trollface, but with those stupid hyper-realistic eyes again. I thought about what it could mean, then it hit me. Not the truth, but another tree branch. AND THEN I realized the truth. That sponge was trolling me. When I thought that, he nodded. So great. A supernatural being trying to annoy me. But it became much and much worse than just trolling. The slight wound from the tree incident bled like crazy to no end. It also seemed like every car insisted on trying to hit me. There weren't many dumb drivers in our neighborhood; only one or two. Now he was trying to kill me. He nodded again when I realized it.

That night, my suspicions were confirmed.

It was about 10:30 PM, the rest of my family asleep. Not me. I just could not get to sleep. Something wasn't letting me. So I did what I always did when I couldn't get to sleep: stare out the window. I don't know why, it always seemed to relax me. I looked out the back window, only to see a yellow, short, box-like kind of figure with his back to me. Not believing my luck, I went downstairs, grabbed the nearest kitchen knife, went out the back door, and snuck up on him. It was time for some good old revenge. I put the point an inch from his back and shouted as loud as I possibly could manage,"Hi there!" He just turned around, unfazed. He was still wearing that smile and those eyes, which renewed my anger inside. I said to him, "Let's end this right here, right now." He laughed his laugh that I knew as a child... so long ago... and said, "Yeah, says who? I can make a million of me!" then proceeded to do so, just like in "Sleepy Time". OK, maybe not a million, but at least nine thousand. They completely filled my yard and some others'. They all opened their mouths and began to sing that strange music from the video, which pierced and scarred my mind even worse than anything One Direction could come up with. Each note was dissonant with itself, which really sounded bad from over nine thousand sources. I curled into a ball and pleaded for him to stop, but he just said, "Why would I do that? Your suffering is way too fun to watch." I simply couldn't believe what I was hearing now. I stood up, gave the one that had spawned all the others the angriest look I could possibly manage, and said, "What did you say, punk?" just like Mr. Krabs did in "Band Geeks". Unchanged, he said, "I like this." I balled my fists and nearly shouted, "YOU'RE TEARING APART MY LIFE AND ENJOYING IT?!?" "Get mad!" Cave Johnson said again. I grasped my knife tighter and did either the bravest or dumbest thing I had ever done.

I charged them.

Yes, I charged an army of over nine thousand with a kitchen knife. Looking back on it, that was probably more dumb than brave, but I was not going to take this. They all stopped their song while I charged. The new Spongebob had no fighting abilities, so I tore through them like tissue paper. My strategy was simple: slash, stab, slash, stab. Each one shed an unnatural amount of blood, probably as a last resort effort to troll me. I left the leader for last, though. His death would be extra, extra special. After about ten minutes of nonstop slashing and stabbing, there was only one left. I stared straight into those eyes, thinking of how many ways I could kill him. Some of them actually scared me at the time. He then squinted at me and said, "So that's how you want to play it, huh.", just like in "Gary Takes a Bath". He then proceeded to spawn another army of over nine thousand. No problem, I thought, then charged again.

That's when things went wrong.

My blade glanced harmlessly against one's skin. They went right back to singing that song of theirs, which now there would be no stopping. Feeling as hopeless and alone as ever, I resumed curling up on the ground, crying now, and begging him to stop that music, but he abstained. "Then I'll stop it myself."I said. Just for a second, his smile broke and turned just slightly concerned. I didn't ask why. With renewed fury and desperation, I jammed my hands as far as I could into his mid-body, then pushed out in either direction. His body split right in half, blood spurting everywhere. Just like I planned, the army soon followed, splitting in half for no reason. It was a little bit extreme, yes, but all too necessary. I took a shower to wash all the blood out. Something was off, though. When I looked in the mirror, I saw myself, but at the same time it couldn't be me. Whatever this thing was in the mirror had the crazed look of a rabid animal. No wonder the Spongebob was concerned for just a second. I would have frozen in fear if someone was holding a knife and wearing that look. When I was done, I went to bed easily, knowing those eyes would bother me no longer.

ONE MONTH LATER

I'm happy to say I recovered pretty well. Sometimes, though, the details of that night came back to me, where I would wonder what else I could have done besides kill him. I also heard that song echoing in the silence. I also avoided talking to anyone with blue eyes, which, unfortunately, included most of my friends. I wanted to explain, but didn't know how. No matter how I put it, they would've thought I was crazy. Looking back on it, they probably thought that before any of this.. I laid off the YouTube Poop for a while too, just in case it should all happen a second time. Eventually I just had to give myself a good laugh or two, so I caved in. First stop: BlarnToTheBlarn. After watching "The Troubles of a Misfortunate Porifera", I noticed "Ode To New Spongebob" was in the related video section. I decided that I had already killed that Spongebob, so I was safe. Or so I thought... The video went on like it did before. But when it got to the part with the hyper-realistic eyes, something happened that I knew for a fact hadn't been there the first time. I heard Spongebob saying, "Laugh while you can, pinky. It's not over yet." from "The Fry Cook Games". In response, I thought, "That's what you think. But it's not over yet!" (in other words there may or may not be a part two)

Part 2 is out! www.planetminecraft.com/blog/sequel-to-those-eyes-my-friend-the-pink-murderer/

NOTE: I am not, nor will I ever be, BlarnToTheBlarn. I did not create "Ode To New Spongebob". The ideas of the video used are property of BlarnToTheBlarn.