Issue 1: The Origin

October 31st, 1997
Tillman Trotter was having a wonderful Halloween night, going to every house in the neighborhood, and getting all the candy possible. It was supposed to be a fun night, but things were to change soon. While walking home, a man in a Wombat mask robbed Tillman of his candy. Tillman learned that the world was a dark place that day (also, that Wombats are bad.)

Two Days Later...
Tillman's parents felt a small amount of Pity for him, so they took him to Burger King to get him to shut up about his candy. Whilst eating dinner, a man who had tried to put bologna into the Burger King gym mat burgers, threw his shirt towards Tillman in a fit of rage. This man inspired Tillman with his attempts to revolutionize the Burger King industry by trying to make it flavorful again.

8.5 years after that...
Tillman, now being the ripe age of 16, had a totally normal infatuation with his classmate Jessica Clinton. While she was in gym class, he sneaked into the girl's locker room and stole a pair of her socks. He promised to himself that he would treasure them forever.

Once more, another unnecessary time skip.
Tillman is now a full-grown man. He is excellent at climbing trees while looking through binoculars, especially around Jessica's apartment. He never goes a minute without thinking of her and wishing for her companionship. Unfortunately for him, though, Jessica was in a committed relationship with a man named Tom Bat. Tillman fell off of a tree, because he was too busy thinking about how much he despised Tom Bat, also, a purple Beehive landed on his head. A few hours later, Tillman woke up in a psychiatric ward, with the TV on a children's show about a Honey Badger named Douglass, who stands up to bullies everywhere, and also advocates eating vegetables. After watching the show for a few hours, he knew what he wanted to do with his life, other than staring at Jessica, of course. He wanted to be a crime-fighter to get rid of the dirty scumbags of the world. After a long exciting prison break, which would have been very entertaining to see and or read, including Jack-O-Lanterns, Bread sticks, and his inmate Javier, Tillman went to his Granny's house, looking for costume pieces for his new vigilante persona. Gathering all of the items mentioned earlier in the story, including a black fur costume which Tillman bought at Party City for only 14.99(!), and prepared for his new task of defending Nachripov City. The following night, Tillman decided to go for the most evil man he knew of- Tom Bat! While Tom Bat was walking home from his respectable career as a Physical Therapist, Tillman beat the everloving snot out of him for being the terrible person he is, and giving him temporary paralysis. Night after night, Tillman continued his job as a crime fighter, and didn't really have any trouble because he had amazing expertise in combat. Until one night, when he saw a dark figure from his past... Mr. Wombat! Tillman saw him steal a hot dog from a local vendor, who also stole the Wombat's money. Not knowing who to give comeuppance, because both were so morally gray, Tillman compromised by brutally disfiguring both of them, for being foul criminals. After his job was done, Tillman went to his tree to watch Jessica, the one person he was fighting to protect.

And that was Issue 1 of The Mighty Honey Badger Whose Head Is Encased Inside of a Purple Beehive wearing an Old Burger King Teeshirt, Which Has a Slight Bologna Scent To It, and Also Jessica Clinton's Socks Which Were Stolen's story! Come back tomorrow, to see the rest of the story unfold! Yes, I am actually going to write the story every day until I either run out of ideas, or the contest is over. Probably the latter. Remember to eat your veggies, kids!


Issue 2: The Firstish Foe
Tillman has been vigilante-ing for about a month now. He continues to easily reap through the crowds of evil in Nachripov city, such as men holding the hands of young children, and people who try stealing stuff from dumpsters. But one Thursday at 3 PM, Tillman went to Subway and ordered a nice chicken falafel with lettuce, onions, and extra bacon, also a side of oven-baked cheetos. Eating his food, a roguishly handsome man dressed like a Grocery Shopping List (Who we will refer to as Planner Man) came in and held up a gun made out of discarded bags of green tea, demanding he get barbecue ruffles for free. Also, he requested all the money the store and everyone in it had, but the Ruffles were more important. Planner Man rudely stole Tillman's chicken falafel and ate the remaining two bites left of it. This meant war. Tillman got into a very long high-stakes battle with planner man, which mostly took place inside of the milk fridge, which ended with Planner Man winning, until he tripped over a golf ball mysteriously labeled "Quarterly
Quenacho", which Tillman remembered was the same name of a newspaper company. After buying a Spicy Italian sandwich due to the time being 4:18 PM, Tillman theorized why the Quenacho would do this...

And because I am tired, the issue has been concluded! Have fun when I come back tomorrow and write far more words than I need to to further tie this already untiable knot. By the way, Jessica's absence in today's issue was because of her mourning the loss of her dastardly fiancé, Tom Bat. Toodles!

Issue 3: The Great Muppet Caper, but the Muppets are Tillman, not the Muppets.
Another day has passed with Tillman anxious to crack the code of the Quarterly Quenacho. What would they want with the capture of Planner Man? Eureaka, Tillman knew exactly why. To attract the attention of himself, so he'd investigate the building, and fall for some sort of diabolical trap. Tillman, trying to trick the Quenacho, garnered his attention towards them, entered the facility, and... Fell for a trap. Unfortunately, Tillman's vast superior intellect was outsmarted by Quarterly Quenacho head writer, Foxx Nēws. A mob of the staff crowded Tillman and used plastic handcuffs to chain him to their Dilbert Calendar. They tortured Tillman for days on end, asking volatile questions such as "Why do you commit mass homicide on a near hourly basis?" and showing him videos of brainwashed civilians saying obnoxious lies like "I don't feel safe with that crook running around town. Somebody needs to stop him." Because Tillman was so tired of this blasphemy, he escapes by taking a large bite out of his handcuff, and leaping out of the window! Take that, evildoing news incorporation! Using the sewers as a secret navigation route, Tillman found his way back to his tree, his home. He grabbed his binoculars to notice that Jessica apparently did not like being a widow. As much as it pained Tillman to think this, he had to accept that Jessicadidn't know what she wanted for herself. What a tragedy. In an attempt to make her feel better, Tillman bought a bouquet of cookie roses and delivered them to Jessica, in person. Opening the door sobbing for her substantial loss, her eyes widened with some odd form of joy, but came across as possible fear. Jessica knew that Tillman had killed multiple men, and also was suspected to be the man who murdered her undeserving loved one. Tillman took off his Beehive to show that he was a real person. This made Jessica even more scared, because of the incident Tillman had with her back in 2006 (Wait, we should have mentioned this. One time, Tillman forcefully brought Jessica with him to Prom night, and didn't let her home until the cops forced her to leave. Stupid police.) Grabbing a steel baseball bat hiding under some furniture, Jessica dislocated Tillman's left forearm.

Oh my, what a cliffhanger! Tune in tomorrow to see how this crazy mystery gets unraveled! What happened to poor Jessica? Is she under mind control? Will Tillman ever be able to skip his My Little Pony jump rope ever again? I don't know yet, since this story is completely improvised so complex and thought provoking that I couldn't dare express it with words! Tomorrow I will be able to (express it with words). Same Calendar time, Same Calendar skin.

Issue 4: All heroes wear capes
Dazed, Tillman woke up with an apple in his mouth, tied up in a wine cellar with a pen and paper. Thinking he could write a note and send it downstream in a wine bottle, Tillman realized his left arm was broken, and being a lefty, that meant no note for him. After long hours of contemplation, he matured a bit and realized how goofy his shenanigans were. He dressed up as a man. In a black fur costume. With a Burger King shirt he got when he was a wee lad. All he had done his entire life is stalk this poor young girl, and brought misfortune to everyone around him. Then his Fairy Godmother appeared! She asked Tillman what he wanted, and he wished to abandon his current persona, and adopt a new one. She granted his wish, and Tillman became "I'm walking on Sunshine Man"! He also wished for a frappe, and a hacksaw to cut the rope. Surprisingly, his arm was not mentioned in any of his wishes. His Fairy Godmother left with care.

Wowie! Tillman sure is in a pickle as Walking on Sunshine man! Come back- I think you get it. Yeah...

Issue 5: Dootdoo baduhbum dundunduhnunun
https://youtu.be/iPUmE-tne5U

(Tillman's current lifestyle. Lots of happiness, and walking on sunshine (ooohoohooh))

Issue 6: Blossoming Bubblegum, an update!

Walking on Sunshine Man is perched on the roof of the Quarterly Quenacho's theme park. He glances down... and eats a Fatburger. Tillman has been out of commission for a month. He barely even considers himself a superhero anymore. He knows that violence is rarely ever justified. Regardless, whenever seeing wombats and also bell bottom pants, he gives them a good beat down for being so unfashionable. I'm walking on sunshine oohoho.

(By the way, this is an actual bad superhero. Not this "lol me I guess :3" garbage I keep seeing everywhere.)